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Why Your Team Sucks 2. Baltimore Ravens.

Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Baltimore Ravens. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 8- 8. The Steelers scored three touchdowns in the fourth quarter to eliminate you. Suck on that a little longer. Your coach: John Harbaugh, who used Tray Walker’s funeral as an opportunity to bitch out De Smith for limited offseason player contact. You know what, you red ass? How about you find a decent training staff so that you’re not in the top three of Injured Reserve every year instead?

By the way, I will always be entertained by Harbs’s newfound obsession to exploit rules loopholes because of that one time the Pats fucked him in a playoff game with legally dubious formations. They broke his brain. You know damn well he spends all night guzzling coffee and poring over tape in a room covered with Beautiful Mind scribbles, eyebanging league bylaws to find something Belichick hasn’t thought of yet.

Intentional holding penalties! THAT’LL GET THEM! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH [lightning strikes in the background].” Your quarterback: Joe Flacco, aka the world’s finest Adam Levine Replacement Android. Flacco once bought five massage chairs and then got rid of them when he realized that he didn’t like massage chairs, and that he is only one person. He’s an idiot. Every year we get away from that Super Bowl victory, the more inexplicable his playoff success becomes.

He must have taken the Limitless drug that winter or something. Flacco, as of this writing, is still out with a disc injury in his back. The Ravens don’t think the injury is serious and expect him back for the opener but, as any 4. EVERY disc injury is serious. That shit doesn’t just go away, my friends. The uncertainty around Flacco means that he still could miss real playing time at some point, which means the team could probably use some reinforcements at the position, right? Hmmm, I wonder what free agent QB out there might help provide backup and fit in well with the rest of the team?

I wonder who that could POSSIBLY be…/head/desk I know this is beating an already- flayed horse, but the current backup is Ryan Mallett. Ryan Mallett is a beanstalk truant with atrocious career numbers. They just acquired Thad Lewis, who hasn’t thrown an NFL pass in FOUR years. This team gets decimated by injuries year after year after fucking year. But your lounge singer of an owner won’t sign Colin Kaepernick because he’s afraid of losing beer money and insists on pandering to imaginary racist fans. What a complete pussy. I went to Annapolis once.

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In the Annapolis Harbor, you may catch a glimpse of Winning Drive, which is Steve Bisciotti’s luxury yacht. Rumor has that it’s the second largest yacht in that harbor, just after some bigtime doctor’s launch, and that Bisciotti isn’t exactly pleased with being No. He’s a butthole. PAY YOUR WATER BILL, COOKIE MAN.

We know that our names may influence just about every avenue of our lives—where we live, the school courses we enroll in, the grades we achieve, the jobs we choose.

I care about the fan base but I have to absorb the opinions of the layers that have been there. Sure buddy. LAYERS. There’s a statue of a dude who obstructed justice in two murders right in front of your stadium. Glad the guy who gave up on finding the Ray Rice tape is suddenly so interested in conducting a comprehensive sociological study of his own fanbase. Accused domestic abuser and Uruk- hai chieftain Terrell Suggs is still on the roster, for God’s sake. What’s new that sucks: In their neverending quest to import every old wideout ever to play in the league, say hello to Jeremy Maclin, who’s already destined to miss at least a quarter of the season.

They also brought in anti- Kaepernick Danny Woodhead to appease all the layered opinion- havers among the Dundalk citizenry. Woodhead has played 2. He has no chance with this Civil War infirmary of a team. They also grabbed Brandon Carr from the Cowboys, which will not stop them from allowing Antonio Brown to go for 1. The math guy quit. Dennis Pitta broke down.

They signed Austin Howard to a $1. Zach Orr retired with half a neck and then unretired. No one who cares about him would ever let him return to this franchise. What has always sucked:  Also, every year Ray Lewis gives me fresh reasons to hate his guts: “Your name is in my Bible.” Even Jimmy Swaggart wasn’t this big of a religious phony. This jackass retired ages ago and yet still manages to embarrass himself and his team on a yearly basis. I say we throw acid at that dumb statue.

As for Baltimore, it remains the most hilariously defensive city on the Eastern Seaboard. Your average Baltimore resident spends 1. Here now is a typical conversation with any Baltimore resident: YOU: Hi, there. THEM: WE’RE NOT JUST THE WIRE, YOU KNOW. Watch Red Dawn 4Shared there. ROGER GOODELL RIGS EVERY GAME FOR THE STEELERS.

OH, YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN US JUST BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A MORE INTERESTING CITY DO YOU? I’LL CUT YOU GOOD. They’re the original snowflakes, by God.

One of the Deadspin staff’s favorite hobbies is checking the Twitter feed of NFL access merchant Jason La Canfora, who tweets angry shit about the Orioles three times more often than he tweets out actual football information. It’s the most Baltimore Twitter feed in history: just a string of anger spasms intended for no one in particular. Like Boston fans, Baltimore fans always assume you give a shit about their problems, and that you’re always on their side. Neither of those things are true. Did you know? They’ll steal your stairs. What might not suck: For real, that yacht looks pretty sweet. I wouldn’t kick it out of the docking slip. HEAR IT FROM RAVENS FANS!

Matt: A couple of years ago I wrote you that the Ravens sucked because their kicker was named the team MVP. Guess what? The kicker was named the team MVP again last year. Tom: Because we’re going to be 8- 6, with 2 games to play, “controlling our own destiny,” and somehow find a way to blow it. Gary: Because we can play an entire season of games decided by three points or less and not a single one of those games will be even remotely exciting. Luis: Joe Flacco makes me sincerely regret the fact the Ravens won the 2.

Super Bowl. He’s a case study on the hypothetical question of what if winning one championship meant you’d be rubbish for the rest of eternity. Jason: We are only slightly more effective at scouting/developing receivers than the Orioles are at scouting/developing starting pitching.

Jarren: The last Ravens game I attended, I got aisle seats (this is relevant). About 5 minutes BEFORE the game, a stumbling drunk woman barfs a Sandlot- tobacco- carnival ride- level amount of spew all over about three steps, two rows behind me. As the only decent human in the section, I warn ascending fans of the partially chewed hot dogs and now only slightly more acidic Bud Light Lime ahead of them. People behind the mess, however, intentionally distract those going down the stairs so that they will step in the puke, after which everyone in the section cheers. The Great Gatsby Full Movie In English. After struggling to find guest services’ number, I text them to get the cleanup crew. When the cleanup man arrives, miserable, I ask how many texts they got. The answer was one.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there were people booing when the sawdust went down. Dave: Joe Flacco will either throw the ball 8. There is no middle ground. Danny Woodhead will most likely finish the year with 1. A friend of mine used to work for some entrepreneur clothier who provides high- end suits to Ravens players.

Apparently Flacco said to him something along the lines of, “That’s great that you love what you do, hopefully one day I’ll find something I’m passionate about.” Ryan: This has to be the most boring team to watch on offense. I highly doubt any team has more three and outs over the last 7 years. Watching this team play on the road gives me a brain aneurysm every time.